Spiderman

I recently watched the video footage of Jack’s 4^th birthday party that was uploaded onto our YouTube channel. It’s crazy how time flies, it feels like yesterday that he was just a little boy, excited to be one year older and looking forward to his party.  As a 4 year old Jack was a very big fan of the Ninja Turtles and Spiderman. He woke up that morning to find the house decorated with balloons and a pile of presents waiting to be opened.  John was home from work that morning after getting off the night shift. In the video you can hear the enthusiasm in John’s voice as Jack opened each gift. These were such special moments for us, we loved celebrating each one of the boys birthdays and watching them light up as they realized that it was their day. 

Today Jack turns 16! Every teenager can’t wait to be 16, it is the beginning of real responsibilities, independence and of course finally taking the highly anticipated learners test! I will be taking Jack to the DMV afterschool, hopefully it is a successful trip and if the weather isn’t crazy I may actually let him drive the minivan home. This thought is somewhat scary; when did our son suddenly become a 16 year old?  But today will also mark the first birthday that Jack will celebrate without his dad; a harsh and terrible reality that no child should have to face and one that breaks my heart. I know that if John were still with us he would have been overjoyed to celebrate this milestone with his eldest son. Jack resembles John in so many ways and getting the chance to teach him how to drive was something John really looked forward to, especially because John didn’t particularly love my aggressive driving skills! So, in honor of Jack and John, I would like to share one of our fondest birthday memories to date… the arrival of Spiderman!

When I was planning Jack’s 4^th birthday I decided that because it was so close to Halloween, I could possibly try having a costume party so that all the little kids could dress up in their favorite super hero costumes, it would be adorable! Of course my idea was shorted lived as the thought of planning a themed party like that did not seem extremely simple, and we liked simple! Birthday parties were always at our house, I baked the cake, made all the food and John ran the games. When I asked John what he thought we could do to change it up that year, somewhere in our conversation I mentioned that it might be fun to hire someone dressed up as Spiderman. Reluctantly John agreed to look into the idea, but I knew that there was no way he was going to go for it if the “price was not right”.  After several Internet searches and a few phone calls I knew that this was not going to happen, Spiderman was pricey and it didn’t make sense to spend that kind of money on a 4 year olds party! Nevertheless, I was disappointed and I felt bad that we were not going to be able to pull off this awesome surprise. It’s amazing how invested you quickly become in these birthday parties and where your rational thought often leaves your brain. John on the other hand, always believed that cake and some pizza was all that was ever needed to throw the kids a party, and for the most part he was right!  I grudgingly let go of the idea that Spiderman was going to show up and planned on making a Spiderman cake instead. Now I do not know if the stars were aligned that day but as luck would have it, as I was shopping at Costco that afternoon, I spotted it…an Extra large Men’s Spiderman Costume. I don’t even think I thought twice about it, I knew John would be game so I bought it. When I got home and showed him the costume he immediately smiled…I was right, he thought it was perfect, it was a little small but otherwise perfect!  I guess Spiderman was going to be making an appearance after all.

We kept the surprise a secret, John did not want Jack to know that his favorite super hero was going to be attending the party. The costume I bought was the largest size available, but John’s 6’4 frame was still too big for him to fit into it; the mask was too small and the suite was too short. I contemplated ditching the idea after I saw John wearing the entire costume, but he was not going to back out of it now. He was also not about to cut the tags out either and I was given clear instructions to make sure that I returned it to Costco after the party.

On Jack’s birthday his cousins and the Wallace kids were all in attendance. We decided to wait for Spiderman’s big reveal after the kids had eaten their lunch and Jack had opened his presents. With all of them lined up and sitting on the back deck stairs, Spiderman finally dashed his way into the backyard and up the stairs where he greeted a very ecstatic and happy little 4 year old! The look of surprise, fear and excitement on Jack’s face was priceless. The kids were not quite sure about what to make of this giant Spiderman and a few of them were not particularly fond of the masked man!  But John played the part so well and he had the kids laughing and playing games in the yard with him in no time.  Eventually the clever little buggers spotted his unmistakable size 15 running shoes and came to the consensus that John must indeed be Spiderman after all. The best part about this particular memory is that it was all caught on tape, so even today we can revisit and enjoy these precious memories. I know there are no more new memories that the boys will be able to make with John, but without a doubt we will cherish all of the ones we do have!

Jack we wish for you the happiest 16^th Birthday! Your dad and I could not be any prouder of the young man you are becoming and I know that he is with you always! xoxo

Long-Weekends and Overtime

Like everybody else I look forward to celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving because it means enjoying an extra long-weekend with family and friends and cooking and sharing in some delicious food. In general our weekends are busy and full of activities and errands to run, however, for John the holidays and long-weekends usually meant working overtime. Although John appreciated his weekends and time off of work, he was not one to pass up on earning double his wage in a single shift. Over the years I learned that there was no sense in talking him out of it or convincing him otherwise, he made every effort and took every opportunity to provide what he could for our family. It amazed me how he never waivered when it came to these overtime opportunities, even when I would "strongly" encourage him to pass on it and take a break from working so hard. But John did not see it that way and he was not resentful or bitter of the times he missed with us because of work, he accepted the nature of his job and he felt fortunate to have it. 

As an employee of Canada Post for the past 15 years John developed real friendships with his co-workers which made his time there more enjoyable. Throughout this past year his colleagues were extremely supportive and John appreciated everything they did for him. I know that these long-weekends and holidays will also be challenging for them as they grieve and miss their friend.

Although John worked alot, he also appreciated the small things he was able to enjoy on the weekends and the days he had off. He loved being able to sleep past 6 am and he loved getting up and going for coffee. Since we rarely went on "dates" having time together in the morning on a weekend was something we both looked forward to, especially when we knew it was going to be a busy one. Several years ago John began drinking coffee because he learned that caffeine was beneficial to his training. He always immersed himself in learning more about the latest research or trends in his sport, so it was no coincidence that John would also head to the library after grabbing his coffee. John loved the library because it allowed him to take advantage of the "free" things offered there and he didn't have to waste his money buying magazines or books that he would only read or glance over once. When I got wind of John's morning jaunts I began joing him, which then quickly became our "thing". Over the past few weeks I have come to realize how much I miss those mornings with him, particularly today. 

It is difficult to feel thankful in the midst of having lost so much, but today the boys and I will be thankful for the many weekends and holidays that he use to work and for the loving father and husband that he was!  

Gone But Never Forgotten

In the days before John's passing he was in a terrible amount of pain. His body could no longer fight off the aggressive nature his cancer possessed, so when he finally let go and was no longer suffering, I was extremely grateful that John was surrounded by so many people that deeply loved him.

It has been just over a month since John passed away, but time no longer has the same meaning that it use to.  All I know is that each day since, has just been one more day that we no longer have with him. And while it is still difficult to believe that he is really gone, everything about John remains present and alive in our home. It is as if he went on some extended vacation while the boys and I were left behind to wait for his eventual return. Of course that is not the case and it is still very painful to go to bed each night and awaken each day to that harsh reality. The unfairness of John's illness and the future that he no longer has because of it, will be something I will never be able to understand. Grief is an inexpicable feeling, it takes a hold of you like nothing you've ever felt and in many instances it literally stops you in your tracks and knocks you off your feet. It is like a series of waves that come at you in succession, only allowing you to get your head above water just enough to take a much needed breath before the next swell builds and rises above you. However, even on the days where you feel like you are drowning in sorrow, life continues all around us so we cannot help but get up, put one foot infront of the other and move forward, John would not have wanted it any other way!  

Since John's passing, the boys and I have been very fortunate to have been surrounded by our family and friends. Their support has lifted our spirits and allowed us to honor and celebrate John each and everyday. It is amazing what people will do for you in times of great loss, and it is equally touching to see how loss allows the love people have for one another to truly shine through.

This blog I have created about "Our Stories of John" is my attempt to share with you not only my stories about John, but also your stories about him too. I would love for Jack, Hunter and Cole to have an opportunity to read some of the things their dad would have enjoyed telling them himself (and maybe some of the things that he may not have wanted to share). If for any other reason, I hope to keep John's spirit alive and well in the hearts and minds of all who love and miss him!
We miss him everday!