And then there were 3...

Cole's 8th Birthday 

Cole's first time at Green Lake 4 months old

When John and I got married we knew we wanted to have kids right away....okay well, maybe I wanted to more, but regardless, starting a family was something we both really wanted and looked forward to.  I'm not sure if John and I ever really sat down and discussed how many children we hoped to have, but rest assured, we definitely did not plan to have 3 of them in 3 1/2 years!  We were both in our mid-twenties by the time we had Jack and Hunter, and we were still fumbling and finding our way through life and the chaos of 2 little ones.  It was a lot to navigate as young parents and our two munchkins were already keeping us on our toes when we realized that yet another little human was on the way to join our brood.  

Shock is the probably the best way to describe John's initial reaction to the news, of course, I too was in a kind of disbelief...I was pregnant yet again and I was going to have to give birth for the 3rd time in as many years. Cole was definitely what I would call a blessing in disguise, the reality is that life was just all happening a little faster than we had anticipated, we were hardly prepared, and for the most part, we were flying by the seat of our pants!

Cole was born at 5:30 pm on New Year's Eve 2003, and the next day John and I celebrated our 4 year Wedding Anniversary surrounded by 3 little boys, it was insane and perfect all at the same time! Cole was a very easy going baby, he smiled all the time and it seemed like he was always happy and content. When he started walking he was fiercely independent and got into all kinds of mischief. I don't know if it was a combination of Cole being the youngest or the fact that his free spirit was the opposite of John's, but John was so enamored by him. Being a new dad at this point was old hat, and John relished in the baby snuggles and opted many times to cart Cole around with him in the baby carrier, it was definitely the easier choice than rambunctious toddlers. As Cole began to grow he was taller than most kids his age and very coordinated. John was able to teach him how to ride a bike by the time he was 3 1/2 so long bike rides with all the boys became a regular family activity. By the time Cole was 5, John could take the boys on hikes and runs, he also began his infamous marathon training and was able to convince the boys to run in some smaller races with him. Cole didn't really have a choice but to keep up with all of this, but like John, he loved it and thrived on it...this made John extremely happy, having kids that were active and game for any adventure was what he always hoped for.   

For John, it was a dream to have sons. When they were little he loved taking a step back just to observe them, how they played and interacted and what they might say to one another...he was fascinated by their distinct personalities but loved that they had many similarities between them as well....and of course, he could see pieces of himself in each one of them. John never got the opportunity to know his own brother, Michael. John was just a baby when Michael passed away but he always felt the void of the brother he never got to know and he would tell me that he often wondered what it would have been like to have had the chance to grow up with him. Seeing the boys together filled John's heart with so much joy.  He knew the boys would always have each other, that as they grew older they would have one another's backs and appreciate what it meant to have that kind of special relationship.  

Today Cole turns 15...it seems like in a flash he went from being our little boy to sprouting into a towering teenager!  And while John may no longer be here on earth, I know he is watching over each of them, observing, listening, and beaming with pride.

Happy Birthday Cole...We love you so much! 

The 3 Ninja Turtles

2 years...

There was a time where life seemed to just slog along...where the mundane routines of life managed to roll over from one day to the next and where the thought of yet another predictable day was enough to make you want to pull your hair out.  When the kids were little I was a stay at home mom.  It was not really an option considering the fact that John and I managed to have 3 children in 3 1/2 years, however, I was happy to have healthy and lively little boys as my daily companions. Don't get me wrong, choosing to stay home was no small feat, and they were obviously a lot of work with chaos swirling through the house on many occasions, but John and I always felt fortunate that this was our mess, our brood, our family.  At one point, John worked night shifts for over 3 years, it actually allowed him to spend time with the boys during the day and gave him the opportunity to do things with them that he couldn't otherwise, if he had a 9-5 job.  The daily grind of raising a family was something that required a lot of teamwork, sacrifice and lots and lots of compromise.  When you are in it, sometimes you forget to appreciate the repetition of the routines you worked so hard to establish; play time, bath time, and early bedtimes!  John loved routines, he liked knowing what to expect and the predictability of them.  He was such a homebody, and would rather stay home on weekends with the boys watching movies, or playing games, and enjoying his cheap beer.  He hated wasting his hard earned money on frivolous things and he knew well enough that the boys were too young to really appreciate or remember a fancy vacation, or name brand shoes.   

John and I would talk a lot back then about how great it was going to be once the boys were a little older and more independent, how the pay off for their closeness in age was going to be in our favor by our late 40's. We figured by that point they would all potentially be out of the house, away at college, or working towards a career they loved. We knew that there was going to come a time where we could finally sit back and observe how the fruits of our labor were no longer weighing our branches down... it was definitely something to look forward to. 

Time, it's such a relative thing, looking back now I would give anything for the grind of a mundane week ahead...where snacks and naps were part of the daily routine and where we knew for a fact that John would walk in the door after a long day at work. Two years have come and gone...it doesn't seem possible...but life continues moving forward, whether I like it or not, whether I'm ready or not, or whether I want it to or not... There is a void, a hole, an emptiness that will probably always linger in the background, but I have come to accept that, to understand that it is a part of losing someone long before it was their time to go. The more difficult part is accepting a future that no longer exists the way we had envisioned. Letting go of that part, that reality, continues to be a work in progress.

I have a new found appreciation for grief. It is like a river that flows, always constant, and moving in the same direction. There are twists and turns, rapids and undercurrents and of course stretches of stillness and calm. But nonetheless, the river flows and you must learn to flow with it.

There is no handbook that tells you how to move on, what you are supposed to feel as time passes, what memories you will hold onto or images you will cling to. There is no control over the emotions that seem to take over when you were not expecting them to.  And then there is the deafening sound of silence, the kind that reminds me that the sound of his voice will no longer be heard amongst all the chaos in the house. Two years have come and gone and it still seems like yesterday that John was on his way home and about to walk through the door...I hope I never forget that feeling!

Graduation

1993 John at Grad dinner/dance ...2018 Jack heading to his Grad dinner/dance  

1993...VC Graduation 

In 1993 John graduated from high school. I was definitely not his girlfriend or even his grad date at the time, however, I was there. John and I knew one another in high school because of basketball and mutual friends, but that was about it. We saw one another at "parties" or basketball games, perhaps even at some of the infamous VC dances, but really it was Gerald who I knew much better and why I agreed to go as his date to graduation that year. Being one year older is a big deal as a teenager so the fact that I was already in college made me a little apprehensive to go to a high school graduation. Luckily for me, John's girlfriend at the time was also my age so I did not have to feel like the lone wolf amongst the high school pack. It is funny to look back 25 years later and see the photos from that night. They are nostalgic... where did that time go from that day to where I am now...it doesn't seem possible that 25 years have passed since that moment.  The events of that evening are in pieces, but nonetheless, they are still embedded in the bank of memories I have of him. John once told me his version of something he believes took place that night between the two of us; how we apparently had a "moment".  Here is how it goes...

After the graduation dinner and the festivities of the evening had died down, I was ready to head home. Gerald and a few of his friends wanted to continue celebrating so I took a taxi back to John's parent's house to collect my car keys. We had all met there prior to dinner. John and his girlfriend left the party early as well, so he was already home when I knocked at the door. I still laugh just thinking about this story because for me this simply did not happen...he claims that when he handed me the keys there was a split second where our eyes met, we looked at one another and he thought that we might kiss...keep in mind John's girlfriend was in the house at the time and he and I were nowhere near that "friendly"...his made for tv movie of the week recollection was both funny and cheesy beyond belief...even years later when I pressed him to knock off the made-up story he had created in his head, he never would concede.  John said it was his memory and his truth and I couldn't convince him otherwise...It's a laughable memory of his for sure...but one I am happy to know and share. 

There will always be moments, how can there not be... big ones happen... like your oldest son finally graduating from high school and small ones... like the quiet of the house when the boys have all gone to sleep...everyday pieces of John are disguised in these teenagers who are just like him in so many ways...I know John would be very happy right now...he wanted nothing more than to watch his sons become young men. When Jack graduated from high school last week...well... that was a moment!  Happy and sad, proud and grateful, John was surely there beaming!  You never know where life will take you...the possibilities are endless for a graduating teenager...but, of course, experience lets you know that sometimes that too can be cut short. I think this is why in many ways the boys are lucky... they know you cannot take life for granted and that they should make the most of each day, each new experience, each milestone they reach, every moment...all of them...big and small...there are certainly days that we can all be reminded just how lucky we truly are and to never take for granted the moments that make life worth while. 

2018... VC Graduation 

It's the Sign...of the Dimes....

The Chief....me and John on top of the world!

It’s been almost 19 months without John, but he is never far from our thoughts and the stories we have to share about him come up often through the conversations the boys and I have about him. In so many ways we are constantly reminded that he is with us and that his presence will always be a part of our lives…perhaps it is something he used to say or would have said, or maybe it is something he used to do, or would have done…regardless it is comforting that the influences he had on the boys are forever imprinted in their memories of him. I often find myself wondering just where John’s spirit has travelled to, we had this conversation a few times before he passed...who would he be once he was gone?...where would he go? and although the unknown is solely bound by hope and faith that the spirit never truly dies, how could one ever really be sure until it is, in fact, your time to leave this earth. I imagine that John is somewhere that is inexplicably beautiful and that his destination does not take him too far away from those of us that he has left behind. I told him a few times that he would need to show me signs that he was still around; that he still existed…it was a very tall order but I knew he was up for the challenge.   

         

The thing about signs is that there are many factors that can be left up to interpretation, however, recognizing the signs and believing that there is meaning to it can also be a very powerful thing. Shortly after John passed a friend mentioned something to my sister that seemed both odd and random, she said we would likely begin to find dimes…yes, as in the 10 cent coins…her reason was simply that it would be a sign…a sign that John was with us.  This was not a conversation that my sister put much weight into and she definitely kept it to herself. However, a few days later she came across a couple of dimes that she found in places that did not make sense. When she finally decided to tell me and the boys what our friend had said about the dimes, we thought it was an interesting coincidence, but we were certainly not convinced that finding a dime here and there was a sign from John.

And then it began almost immediately…the boys started to find dimes everywhere they went; especially at school...they found dimes at their locker, in their class, on the way to a practice, in the locker room, on the gym floor, and often, right in their path in the middle of the hallway...dimes showed up in random places just before games or after games, they showed up while at their friends houses, on the bus, walking down the street, coming off the sky train…you name it, there it was, a single dime, in their path, just where their eyes would be looking at a very specific moment in time…there were never any other coins around, just the one dime…and so… it went on...

When I did not find any dimes initially, I began talking to John and telling him that it was annoying already that the boys were finding dimes pretty much daily and I had yet to come across just one…I guess my nagging eventually reached him because out of nowhere one morning, as I stood outside my classroom door waiting for the National Anthem to come over the loudspeaker, I spotted it; a single shiny dime…it was directly across from my classroom door, up against the wall. I think I laughed out loud. Since then I have come across many dimes, and when they show up, I know John is there.

I have tried to keep track of where and when the dimes have been found...on a few pieces of scrap paper I have made note of several occasions where dimes have been found. Today I have a collection of over 100 dimes in my room, the boys have recently told me that when they see a dime now, they do not always pick it up but smile knowing that their dad is there. I laugh thinking that John would seriously want them to pick it up....it is money after all! 

I share this with all of you because I think as time passes we want more than ever to know that there are signs all around us from those whom we love but are no longer here.

When I feel heartbroken and wish that John was still here to see or experience all the amazing things that the boys have been doing, a dime manages to find its way in our path. So, for that reason alone, I will continue to relish in the "sign of the dimes,"

By the way, this is not a phenomenon that we are solely experiencing…a few months after John passed and we had collected over 50 dimes, I did what anyone these days does…I googled it…and wouldn’t you know…it is a thing…some people call it “Dimes from Heaven” 

Some of the dimes we have found over the past year and a half